The Final Johari Window

Arena (known to self and others) able, cheerful, helpful, independent, observant	Blind Spot (known only to others) adaptable, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dependable, energetic, friendly, giving, happy, idealistic, ingenious, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, loving, mature, patient, reflective, relaxed, responsive, searching, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, silly, spontaneous, trustworthy, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) extroverted	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, bold, dignified, introverted, logical, modest, nervous, organised, powerful, proud, quiet, religious, self-conscious, shy, sympathetic, tense, warm

Dominant Traits

57% of people think that pigpogs is friendly

All Percentages

able (4%) accepting (0%) adaptable (4%) bold (0%) brave (4%) calm (4%) caring (19%) cheerful (33%) clever (33%) complex (9%) confident (38%) dependable (4%) dignified (0%) energetic (33%) extroverted (0%) friendly (57%) giving (9%) happy (28%) helpful (23%) idealistic (4%) independent (23%) ingenious (4%) intelligent (28%) introverted (0%) kind (38%) knowledgeable (9%) logical (0%) loving (19%) mature (9%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (14%) organised (0%) patient (4%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (4%) relaxed (4%) religious (0%) responsive (9%) searching (4%) self-assertive (14%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (9%) sentimental (4%) shy (0%) silly (4%) spontaneous (4%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (33%) warm (0%) wise (4%) witty (4%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 19.2.2010, using data from 21 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view pigpogs's full data.

I'd explained extroversion as being outgoing and because she likes going out, being averse to staying in, she chose it. I perhaps should have read Wikipedia to her; "The trait of extraversion-introversion is a central dimension of human personality. Extraverts (also spelled extroverts[1]) tend to be gregarious, assertive, and interested in seeking out excitement. Introverts, in contrast, tend to be more reserved, less outgoing, and less sociable. They are not necessarily loners but they tend to have smaller circles of friends and are less likely to thrive on making new social contacts. Introverts are less likely to seek stimulation from others because their own thoughts and imagination are stimulating enough. A common misconception is that all introverts suffer from social anxiety or shyness. Introversion does not describe social discomfort but rather social preference. An introvert may not be shy at all but may merely prefer non social or less social activities."

She is probably more accurately an extrovert introvert

Farewell and Thanks for all the Needles

All Christmas decorations have now been removed and mostly boxed up (and labelled -ooh get me!).  Just a few odds and sods to go into a box once I find a box that's the right size.  Then all boxes can be shoved back into the top of the cupboard.

C found this not enjoyable and left me to it whilst she continued getting as much time on Club Penguin until her membership runs out on Friday.  She can't decide whether to buy more membership or not. 

C and M did take down the Christmas tree lights and removed the tree to the bin area.  The council should be collecting it at some stage.

Someone I know but who doesn't want themselves or their family to ever again be mentioned in this blog has decided to write themselves out of my life.  Can't figure out whats going on so I've decided to accept my clear Aspie tendencies in this direction and just things be.  I need people to tell me what the problem is, either when I ask or just tell me unprompted.  Most people do ;-).  I'm led to believe from others (two different people) that I should try and spend more time with that person but that person gives me absolutely no indication that that person does want to.  In fact, to the contrary.  Tricky as C had that person down on her list to see more of as she loves that person and wants to see more of that person.  But Chloe's said the same about her Grandma and that sure ain't happening either.  C's list is so long I'd need twice as many days in a week and still would find it difficult to spend as much time with all the people that she wants to.  Think she needs to have fewer people she loves to spend time with.  Which, as far as problems go, is a pretty nice one to have :-).

In fact, C's 2010 wish list is mostly unachievable (such as going to Rome, walking behind Niagara Falls, climbing Mt Everest and seeing kangaroos in the wild in Australia) so I've decided not to blog it or record it anywhere as I will have to summarise our failings in 12 months time.

Dustpanned and brushed lots of pine needles up.  C helped as she wanted to create a pine needle mountain, then went on the pc some more.I've cleared the room magnificently, including the window sills and cleaned the glass too.  C grumpy as I shifted a lot of stuff from the window sill up to her room (it is her stuff). 

Was £4.05 up after vacuuming under the sofa cushions so not an all bad day.  :-).

C has done some Italian today and guitar practice in addition to extensive IT time.  She also tidied up a craft kit.  I love Djeco products.  This is the best sand art kit we've ever done.  We've done a few.  It is also the most expensive but has proved better value.

Had dinner (I cooked - shock! horror!).  Now she and M are watching "Walking with Monsters" - one of three DVD's C got for Christmas from Dave.  I know others have had them for a while.  We tend to catch up with you all eventually.  Seems very good.

I've again been toying with moving the blog somewhere else that would enable me to have passworded posts, or have a separate ranty blog that would enable more wordy rants than BK will allow.  Also dithering about British Mummy Bloggers as was asked ages ago to join and add support for the HE side but am intimidated by the set up and the other glamourous blogs on there - and slightly worried about privacy and flaming.  This is my diary and you get pretty much all of me, warts and all.  Also not keen on the name "British Mummy Bloggers". So far this is an ill read blog (to match the writing) and that suits me really.

I end up thinking that the current setup is fine.  I know it's public so do try and be sensitive about what I write.  Even if I don't always succeed, I do try (I'm very trying . . . ).  If it wasn't public maybe I would be freer with what I say.  That mayn't be a good thing.

Besides, if people don't like it, they can always just stop reading.  Can't you?

Not a failure - just another learning experience

I don't like the word failure. It has connotations more associated with the person rather than the act, many people take it personally if something they attempt happens to fail. They personalise it such that they feel that they are a failure when in fact it should be viewed as just another learning experience. It's something I bang on about to the girls (Chloe and Ruby) quite a bit as I want them to always have the courage to just try stuff rather than feel they can only try something if they know they are going to be a success at it. As there are rarely things you are just instantly successful at, it can inhibit your ability to want to try new things, and that would be a great shame and compromise your enjoyment of life overall.

So, you can see where this is leading can't you?

Today started great. Ruby arrived and the girls went on the Moshimonsters site for a few minutes before I stopped that as Chloe had wanted to make pasta with Rubes today and Rubes wanted to Fimo something for her mum as a present. I'm well aware how time can vaporise around here.

They got on with the pasta making. C took charge and was very good at it though a bit on the lecturey side. Rubes took in very good grace, just calling her Miss Chloe as if C were a teacher ;-).







Unfortunately the pasta was too thick I think. We played about with times to cook but overall it wasn't a success. However, the girls did enjoy having free rein of the contents of the fridge. Clo did Parmesan, ham and red pepper filling with fresh coriander, Rubes chose Feta, ham and yellow pepper filling with fresh parsley. They enjoyed chopping it up and then whizzing it all together in the food processor too. I was constantly on the go. Not my usual day off when Ruby comes round as I needed to stay in the kitchen with them, cleaning and just supervising from a distance. I occupied myself cleaning the dishdrawer, even cleaning all the crud out from the rotating arm thingy.

I cooked lunch in between all this and we ate in the dining room as the kitchen was lacking spare surface to eat from. Then they went back to it. After cooking a few pieces (and agreeing it was not the most successful pasta ever made (but how many times have they attempted before? None other than once for C the day before!)), they resumed Fimo modelling before we had to leave. Got a bit stressful as getting girls out and with everything they needed was difficult. Dropped R off okay, got C to tennis just in time and I started a new book. I am reading "Who Runs Britain?" by Robert Preston but that has proved to be a bit depressing so I've also started a fiction book from the Scout sale yesterday, "Notes from an exhibition" by Patrick Gale.

C did her 1:1 then started My Story My Tudor Queen a fictional diary about Eva De Puebla who was lady in waiting to Princess Catherine of Aragon, before Club Night. She did half an hour of Club Night before the heavens opened and they came inside. When they come inside, they merge all the groups and C doesn't like that so we came home.

A guitar practice whilst I vacuumed hall and kitchen floors before taking her and Megan to Badgers, popping into a corner shop to see if they'd got Patak's Biryani Paste in (they said they'd order it for me), to find Pataks seem to be discontinuing (?!) and he'd tried Sharwoods but they'd send Bhana or Bhuna instead so he's ordered a powder from Natco (or something like). It's a spate of things being discontinued for us at the moment :-(.

Then collected M from the station and had half an hour at home before needing to head out and colelct girls from Badgers.

Marcus cooked dinner - the pasta C&M made last night:



It was no more successful than the pasta the girls had made earlier. Which was a shame (and made M very grumpy about it) but also meant the girls hadn't done anything wrong today. I think the pasta needed to be rolled out much flatter.

They then had a quick guitar practice whilst I cleaned up the kitchen again. D'you know the worst thing about guitar? The blummin picks. She can never find one she likes easily and when playing (alternating between pick use and finger use) she loses them.

She's starting to think of Christmas . . .

It's been a good couple of days.

Caught our MP after the Sunday church service. Told him C was the flagbearer. ie not exactly a hidden child! He was very nice actually, being Conservative he is not likely to be a friend of Balls anyway and had signed the edm. I thanked him for his lovely letter of apology and he was frank enough about that. I said I can't attend his surgeries as they are always on Friday afternoons whilst C is at tennis so he suggested a telephone conference. Think actually I'll just write again. I'm not too keen on talking on telephones, especially when it's important and I want to make sure I don't say the wrong things because I'm nervous. The more important things are the more nervous I will get and the more likely I'll put my foot in my mouth.

Saw our MP with his wife again when we were walking back to the car after collecting C from the Sett leader. That was good as he had a chat with C and said hello to M (who didn't say anything of note possibly for the same fear I have except he would rightly worry that I'd berate him later for hours for saying something daft).

On the plus side he has hopefully noted we are just an ordinary, reasonably respectable family who engages in society, not the stereotypical Home Edding people on the fringes of society that Badman would portray us to be.

Dad and Josie had come up to watch C be flag bearer and came back for dinner - the Indian finale. Rice wasn't so successful, Josie said to do stir fried rice you need to use day out cold rice for best results. Discussed next weekend which is a Megan weekend with her church service on the Sunday that Dad said was her Christening. I said no, not Christening, something else. Josie said Baptism and Dad said oh yes it's a secular Christening - which I didn't think was possible. So looked it up and "secular" is an interesting word, think you can have a secular baptism but not a secular Christening. We all learnt something there :-).

Dad and Josie brought a t-shirt for C - not new so it must have been spotted somewhere, I forgot to ask. C had gone upstairs to change out of her uniform when Dad showed me and I said she wouldn't wear it as it was too scary a picture, showed C upstairs who asked if she could wear it now and has barely been out of it since! What do I know eh?

Dad asked C what a Tasmanian Devil is and she didn't know so he fed her "marsupial" and I disagreed saying it can't be a marsupial. Turned out I was wrong there too. We all learnt a lot about Tasmanian Devils and non-viral transmissable cancers.

No swimming yesterday, Monday, as her instructor is still in Egypt on holiday. Just as well, we still had to leave early, even earlier than had we had swimming, as M needed an early drive to another county to catch a bus that would take him to yet another county where he could catch a train to get to a place where he had a meeting.

In history they looked at first cities of Asia - development of early settlements. It is the most amazing history course - I'm really impressed with the depth they are going to. C is loving it.

Home for a quick lunch for me as C ate all the sandwiches in the lunchbox and I needed feeding. Then C had tennis. It was very cold - her hands were like ice cubes. Keep wondering about gloves but worry about her racquet grip. Must ask.

I'd just agreed C could watch television when M sent a text saying he would be getting off the train in 40mins and wait for the bus to take him to the nearer county from where I'd pick him up. It was cold. It was dark. I persuaded C to watch a film in the car instead and we went to rescue him.

When we finally got home again, he insisted the house was too cold and the heating went on. Didn't make it to December :-(. Was bitter though so I've lost my challenge but I'm warm. Think the compensation of warmth is worth it :-).

Today, Tuesday, started off with Drama for C. It was the first of a 5 week course. Only 4 kids so whether it runs again next term I don't know. C really enjoyed it. She's the youngest. Home and she wanted to do the PMC (Primary Maths Challenge) paper that had arrived yesterday. She did very well. We are both pleased with her for a) trying and b) doing much better than she'd aimed for. She had said she wanted to get just one question right. The paper was easier than I'd thought so she should have been delighted. No. She cried as the questions get progressively harder and she couldn't do them, getting herself into a tizz about it. I had told her that we weren't expecting her to do well and that she would not be able to complete the paper, but this clearly had not registered. Once she'd calmed down she did say she wanted to do it again next year. It was very good exam experience. It was timed and there was no interaction for the 45 minutes (except in the last 10 when she was crying and I was pleading with her to just stop).

She started a Moshimonster today and spent a lot of time playing that - wants Aprilia's username please Anni!.

She also spent a couple of hours playing with Fimo. For some reason she decided to make a nativity scene:



After dinner we all watched the Festival of Remembrance on iplayer that had been screened on Saturday night. I cried as I always do, at the stories of bravery and loss, and when the poppy petals fall during the 2 minute silence.

During this I learned of a new life being born. That mixture of grief for the loss of so many lives and new hope in a new life. Congratulations xx

Twice Times by A A Milne

There were Two Little Bears who lived in a Wood,
And one of them was Bad and the other was Good.
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times One -
But Bad Bear left all his buttons undone.

They lived in a Tree when the weather was hot,
And one of them was Good, and the other was Not.
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times Two -
But Bad Bear's thingummies were worn right through.

They lived in a Cave when the weather was cold,
And they Did, and they Didn't Do, what they were told.
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times Three -
But Bad Bear never had his hand-ker-chee.

They lived in the Wood with a Kind Old Aunt,
And one said "Yes'm," and the other said "Shan't!"
Good Bear learnt his Twice Times Four -
But Bad Bear's knicketies were terrible tore.

And then quite suddenly (just like Us)
One got Better and the other got Wuss.
Good Bear muddled his Twice Times Three -
But Bad Bear coughed in his hand-ker-chee!

Good Bear muddled his Twice Times Two -
But Bad Bear's thingummies looked like new.
Good Bear muddled his Twice Times One -
But Bad Bear never left his buttons undone.

There may be a Moral, though some say not;
I think there's a moral, though I don't know what.
But if one gets better, as the other gets wuss,
These Two Little Bears are just like Us.
For Christopher remembers up to Twice Times Ten ...
But I keep forgetting where I put my pen.*

* So I have had to write this one in pencil.


I seem to remember my mum reciting this poem a lot when my sister and I were little which probably says a lot about how it was to parent us! I have a very patchy memory of my childhood and I'm not sure why. Other people seem to remember loads but I only seem to recollect bad things and virtually nothing before the age of 10. This however made me feel all warm and fuzzy about my mum. Might ring her later.

Was reading someone else's blog this morning and was reminded of it ;-). Think it could be recited in that household too.

Found at oldpoetry.com.

Eloise

Eloise was our second daughter. She was born 10 years ago today. I have quite a lot of residual guilt and pain regarding Eloise's life and death. She was conceived with much hope that we would have a healthy child, the doctors all saying that what happened to Bethany wouldn't happen again.

But what happened to Bethany did happen again. I think the doctors were more surprised than I was. I had a feeling that things were not going to be and just felt so desperately sad when it transpired the same problems had manifested themselves again with this next child.

In Bethany's autopsy results there had been reported a significant amount of calcification so they wanted to have Eloise's body as fresh as possible in order to try and get some answers. This meant that the actual termination took place on my birthday, on the 16th July and she was born 3 days later on the 19th July. My birthday now has some very painful memories associated with it, such that I would really rather not mark the day at all. Of course, other people do want to mark the day - especially Chloe who thinks birthdays are very important.

The 16th July this year saw Marcus being in Newcastle for work. Being maudlin at home didn't really appeal, so given Chloe's workshops all booked in I did think spending my birthday with my daughter (reminding her all day that she wasn't allowed to strop or be miserable as it was my birthday) would be the best solution to an annual dilemma.

Being with Chloe is remarkably healing. She is, after all, the reason we went through all we did. It was our first camp just the two of us and she was a pleasure to be with. Would do it again.

Eloise was born in London. My Dad stayed for hours and hours, reading the newspaper aloud to me and taking M out for refreshments at the pub on the corner. My Dad found the process very hard. He thought it would be easier to continue to term and let nature take its course. For me, carrying her for another 13+ weeks in the knowledge that she would die was not a preferable option. Still, he was great support.

Dad then advised that I took up smoking and drinking heavily as doing all the right things didn't seem to be working. Certainly when you see the people in labour struggling to the hospital doors to have a smoke you wonder why you go to so much preparation and fail, when for others, they don't care and have a live child.

(Not that I was about to start taking my Dad's advice over anything).

Eloise was eventually born and I didn't want to hold her. At the forefront of my mind was that the body must not deteriorate and I urged them to take her away straight away. I wish I had held her. I wish that so very much.

10 years is a long time. Not long enough to stop my throat closing and tears welling as I write this.

Last year we visited a jewellers in a craft centre in Northumberland. I admired the silver teardrop pendant he had just made. Chloe wanted me to buy it. I said if I were to have one it would be in gold. I'd originally asked for the pricing in gold more out of curiosity and politeness as he'd spent so long with us and showed Chloe how he made the pendants but he'd lost/buried the paper with my details on so I never heard from him. I was sort of glad really as I don't have the money to spend on frivolous things such as a necklace. Anyway, a couple of months ago he found the piece of paper and called me with the costings I'd asked for. We have confirmed that the pricings are ok.

In an ideal world it would have arrived by now.

We don't live in an ideal world.

What to do about the Fretters?

As in people (yes, like you J!) who would have worried all week had I posted about rebalancing the types of people in my life (I need more positive people to meet with on a day to day basis) after the (highly enjoyable) weekend when they had stayed with us rather than before they got here.

On one blog I read once there was a type of disclaimer on the side. I was thinking of something along the lines of "if you read this blog and something can be taken in one of two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad and miserable, I meant the other way". Similar to one of the points in the men's advice to women blog I posted once.

I am perfectly capable of telling people to their face if they are wittering or being a misery, if the person means something to me, I would do so. Just as I am happy for them to tell me I am behaving like a complete cow, which is perfectly possible. A very good friend (another J!) who reads this blog and lives locally to me (and who I struggle to see more of, not wish to see less of!), does witter sometimes, usually preceding a migraine. And yes. I have told her. I don't think she took it personally . . . it's usually because I am worried she'll get the migraine which is totally debilitating (waving at her if she's reading here as I know she sometimes does!).

Perhaps that's why I struggle to find diary slots to meet up with her . . .

Heart to Heart

A really early start - alarms went off at 6am as Marcus had to be in Gatwick extra early. After we got back home after taking him to the station, I took my tea up to bed with me and fell asleep letting it go cold :-(.

Clo had settled herself into her favourite position in front of the television. I then was awoken at 9:15am by her calling to me from the bath as she wanted me to nitcomb her hair. She's been socialising with someone who was later found to be a bit infested - although I hadn't been able to see any, she'd been a bit ooked by the thought. Of course she never has a bath willingly, which is why she decided to have one at the time we should have been in the car on our way to Latin etc. [major eye rolling!]

Latin and Science - no French for Clo today. I believe she really enjoyed Latin as usual. Science was also fun. More heart work and discussions:



Another highlight of the day were the Horrible Science (or similar) Heart Kits which I think we agreed (as opposed to Michelle thinks . . .) to be educationally dubious but a lot of fun. The kits were removed once some of the children started using them as squirty guns :-).




She also refused lunch (having missed breakfast as per usual) and was in a funny (funny odd not funny ha ha) mood. She says she was happy though. I think it was just tiredness related but wouldn't be really surprised if I find over the next few days she's coming down with something.

Before we left, Gina and Katy had arranged Christmas Crafts. I'd attempted a lolly stick reindeer but gave it up as a bad job, blaming the inadequacies of the glue. I will gloss over the fact that BB was seemingly doing a better job a short while later. Maybe the glue had partly cured and thus adhered better?

Chloe joined in the Christmas Star activity Katy was co-ordinating. Details as found here.




Against my better judgement (as she was so tired and not-really-with-it), we went to a Christmas Party by a new group set up by people disaffected by a scheme that has been divisive in this area since its introduction a couple of years ago. A rather strident approach by the "leader" who controls all communication to the group, has meant it has taken longer than it otherwise should be expected for a secondary group not associated with the first, to be started. Personally, my experience with the first group has made me somewhat "anti-group" and ever since I received an email saying that she essentially thought I was a "stick short of a bundle" (am now wondering if I will get a nastygram saying I am not allowed to reproduce her words without her permission, but as it was in a private email to me do I now own those words?) for not joining her scheme, I have exercised group avoidance strategies. Clo and I have forged our own way in the HE world. What I feared initially would be isolating in fact turned out to be liberating.

A few familiar faces even if I couldn't put names to them, some faces that I could put names to and lots of unfamiliar faces. Clo flopped against me virtually the whole time. She played parts of games, got upset when the boys stamped on all the balloons (something that I always find a bit bewildering, the destruction of balloons at the beginning of a party) but ate loads. I took fruit so she had some of that but she also found rice cakes, sausage rolls, pizza and crisps she liked.

Right at the end someone I was hoping to see there (who I'd heard has left the scheme from the pro-scheme HE Dad I see weekly at tennis) did arrive. There seems to be a lot of enthusiasm and trips and activities arranged for the new year. We'll probably join a couple of them.

On the way home I suggested to C that it had been a mistake going but she insisted she had really enjoyed herself and was very lively and bubbly all the way home.

Go figure.



PS If you don't understand much of the above, please don't worry. It is necessarily cryptic. Just have a glass of wine or a mug of hot chocolate and move on to another blog.

Water, water everywhere but not a drop to make any tea

Given the late night, we really could have done without the early start, but we had to be up at 7am to get Marcus to the station. Returned home and Clo watched Muzzy in Italian before we went out to her Italian lesson which went very well and then I dropped her off at Stitch and Sew.

I parcelled up her MuddyPuddle gloves that have split after being worn at the ice rink. Collected her, put pizza in the oven, got a call from Beccy to say I'd left my phone at the trust building, drove back in slippers to get it and returned home to find the pizza was on the crunchy side. C ate the middle of the pizza that was not quite so crunchy. I found some leftovers in the fridge to eat.

She finished her Fimo and we baked it - confusingly, different packs had different temperatures for baking. I tidied the front room by myself which means a item of hers goes in the bin. That's the rule, I bin things if she doesn't help me.

Clo did do guitar practice.

Off to swimming. Chloe had her lesson which was interrupted part way through by the fire alarms going off and we had to get out of the water, but fortunately could stay on the inside of the door rather than being forced to go outside. They brought a wheelie bin of foil blankets if we got too cold, fortunately I take our towels and shower things to the poolside so we were ok. It turned out to be smoke from the kitchen so we were allowed back in the water. I'd misplaced my goggles (found later in the locker) so couldn't put my head under the water (you try finding contact lenses in a swimming pool!) and my back is very achy again at the moment. Trying to work out what aggravates it. I'm worried it's my nice brown boots that have a very slight block heel, but a slight heel nonetheless.

Kiera had her first swimming lesson which went very well. She'd been bribed with chocolate and apparently had been saying in the car that she wasn't a big girl and was only little (the phrase "you'll be a big girl like Chloe" had been used as an attempt to mollify her about the lessons). As a bonus, Jenny had managed to get across with Amy and Ben. It's good going as Amy goes to school on the other side of our second nearest town. We all headed up to the cafe and it was like the good old days :-).

Except the smoke from the kitchen turned out to have been from the boiler for the hot water to make tea. So most definitely not like the good old days :-(.

A turning point today as Jen suggested we just do Christmas pressies for the kids from now on. Relief all round as this makes life much easier. But a bit sad too as we've moved on and very much into a different life stage. The next will be when the children are too old to receive gifts any more :-(.

Clo went to Junior Lifesavers. Steph then Jen left. I whinged (via Brightkite) about the lack of tea. I was bored. I was lonely. I'd taken a book but I can't read books at the swimming cafe. It's more of a magazine or newspaper place. Hmm. Think I'll try and buy a paper next time.

She did enjoy it. She has a friend there now (in yr5 at school) who like uses like the word like every other like word. It's like quite annoying really like which is a shame as like she's quite a like likeable child like in all other respects.

Think someone at Making It Up posted a funny university "like" hoarding once but I can't find it.

Home for tea after collecting Marcus on the way. He'd bought C a new gig bag so she can get her guitar in and out of the case more easily. The one that came with the guitar just opens at one end so it inevitably goes out of tune instantly. The new one also has padding that the old one didn't. She is very pleased with it. I went on the PC and chain drank 3 cups of tea. Marcus cooked dinner (tacos) and Clo wanted to finish a workbook. This caused her to discover she can do:

116 taps on her nose in 1 minute.

68 crossings of her feet in 1 minute.

180 claps of her hands in 1 minute.

126 hops in 1 minute.

61 puttings on of a hat in 1 minute.

38 stand up sit downs in 1 minute. I objected as she didn't fully stand up, just raised her bottom off the seat of the chair. She said she's exhausted and she won't do it again so put it as 19.

But turned out she was as tired as I thought as when I was checking her pages of work after dinner, I pointed out 3 that were incorrect. To which she responded: "They can't be wrong. I copied them from the back."

Hmm.

She was so tired that not only could she not be bothered to work them out but she'd looked up the wrong answers.

Think I should tear the answer pages out of workbooks in future?

Cat a strophe

Arrived at Italian to be greeted by their kitten pacing along the window ledge, turning and walking along again before turning and repeating the movement. Cat a strophe.

This blog is obviously written by someone trying to be clever.

Or perhaps they use the cat as trophy displayed on the window sill? But the spelling doesn't work.

The word "trying" was deliberately inserted. I've probably used "strophe" incorrectly. A Greek scholar would have to advise . . .

Anyway, today was not a catastrophe. She had an excellent Italian lesson. Then enjoyed Stitch and Sew, taking her new sewing box as a sort of "show and tell". It went down well as Kay immediately recognised it as Cath Kidston (all their sewing stuff for the lesson comes in large Cath Kidston bags).

We then came home and I finished a bit more hazard reduction with regard to the pit at the bottom of the stairs. Mum is coming for the weekend and I don't want her straining her knee just to gain access to the bedroom. Then cleared all the bits of wood and nails away and dustpanned and brushed and finally vacuumed the whole room. Clo wrote a fab TY card to my Gdad and then didn't want to do any more.

I had an excellent boss once who advised me gently that on time and not 100% was better than writing a report that is 100% the way I want it but misses the deadline. Chloe could usefully heed the same advice.

So she wanted to explore the French resources and found some bilingual books so read those and found a French activity pack and wanted me to do that with her. Unfortunately I have so much to do before Mum and Keith arrive and really didn't have time to be interactive as we also have this 5.5 hr swimming pool schedule on a Thursday afternoon. So I cleaned the sink instead.

Got to swimming, she had her half hour lesson whilst I did lengths. Then Deb and family were there for a play session. Tim was fun with the kids (although Tilda was not happy at sharing her Daddy). Steph also arrived and Kiera remembered her promise to me last week to come straight into the big pool for spider wall crawling. She then did that for ages and then it was Family Fun Float Session and she was persuaded onto a float. Then we had a terrible job trying to get her to leave the pool. She's normally the one who first makes the cafe call. She didn't go in the baby pool once. She in genuinely afraid (to the point of shaking with fear) so she is doing very well.

Cafe with Steph as Deb et al had dinner ready at home. Then C went for her Junior Lifesaving session, Steph left and then Mimi and A joined me for 20 minutes. My sister had passed on some clothes and she was wearing the trousers already - Thanks Gen.

Lifesaving finished early as apparently no one was listening to the coach so he stopped the session. C was upset because she said she was listening. She still wants to continue going. I had a conversation with a friend last week who said it wasn't right that I control Chloe's life so much. She wasn't debating the education part of HE but the child's lack of freedom. C has pretty much total freedom to do what she wants, when she wants and to socialise with whoever she wants too. I accept we do avoid certain families who I don't feel parent their children in a way that complements our own parenting style (largely around respect for other people and other people's property), but due to those differences, she doesn't usually click with their children anyway. I haven't had an instance of her wanting to play with a child I'm not keen on. I did point out that I don't want C to continue the Lifesaving but as she is keen and expressed an interest in going, I let her go. Frankly, I can think of a whole lot of better things we could be doing with our time. And no, I didn't start a debate with my friend about how if she was in school, she would be largely limited (and dare I say controlled) to be with the same children of the same year group for her seven primary school years. She sees a far broader range of children, than many schooled children, especially as a parent's selection of primary school for their children predetermines to a large extent the background of the children attending. Hmm. That conversation obviously did bother me more than I thought as I feel far better for having vented here.

Home briefly for a mediocre guitar practice and another TY note written. Then collected Marcus from the station and Clo got bundled into bed and M and I had tomato soup and garlic bread for dinner. I've also found a Curly Whirly so have eaten that - C doesn't like caramel/toffee so think I'm safe.

Assessing Stitching

M to station, us home and breakfasted (bread and milk but at least it was something) before going to Italian. She really enjoyed the lesson and we then dashed over to Stitch and Sew. Bit odd as at the end they gave the kids certificates and badges. Marcus is aggravated with me (he likes "proof" of achievements) because I can't just let things be and enjoy them but I have an issue with these certificates and badges. The kids didn't know they were working towards a level or what was required to be achieved to any standard to gain the "Level 1". They have just been happy in producing technically more complicated pieces.

I'm slightly unhappy about so many things being rewarded with a certificate and/or a badge. I think one of the secrets to contentment is being happy within yourself for your achievements and who you are, not to be seeking or anxious to garner external validation for what you do. I think it can lead to constantly seeking approval from other people rather than trusting yourself to critique your own achievements or why you may not have achieved the results you wanted. Chloe wants to play guitar. She hasn't set out with the desire to pass exams or achieve a certain grade. She just wants to be able to play a song. Tennis is beginning to be a problem as again, she doesn't want to achieve a rating, she just wants to play a game of tennis. This is all very difficult in a society where we value people by what level/grade/exam/school/job/car/holidays they have.

Anyway, they are now working towards level 2, whatever that may entail.

Home via Waitrose and she explored Gruffalo.com and played the games and did the sing along which inspired her to dig out her CD of the Gruffalo and read the Gruffalo child book she has.

Swimming where she worked hard and apparently is doing another badge next week (she is very motivated by external validation here!). Back to A-L's for beans on toast and play.

Whilst at swimming we discovered C has lots of bites at insides of elbows, nape and back of head plus a couple around the neck line and torso. I've stripped her bed and removed all unneccessary bed companions. Neither M nor I have them so Deb thinks it could be bed mites (through the waterproof mattress protector?). We'll see in the morning how she is else I'll be considering flea options. The first bites were on her head about 3-5 days ago so I'll have a think as to where she's been.

Slicing Eyes

After a good friend of ours has had eye ops last week, I am seriously considering having my eyes sliced or lasered. (euch!)

I need all bad experience stories anyone has because at the moment I only have one. A friend who had both eyes done but did not get perfect vision in one of the eyes so still needs to wear glasses (for reading I think).

Am also worried about possible need for cataract op in future. Does having the eye slice surgery cause complications with cataracts or am I being daft?

Marcus is alright as he can have daily disposables but I am -6.5 and -6.0 with astigmatism so fortnightly lenses are the best I can do at the moment (which is better than a year ago when my best option was monthly lenses. They are a real pain when considering camping and YH trips as I need easy sink access and have to be vigilent about eye hygiene.

Even with extra lightweight, extra cost lenses, my glasses are still so heavy they hurt my nose. The weight is so much that it feels as though my nose is heavy with cold and also my ears feel uncomfortable. Hence I don't really want to get "just wear glasses" option.

Ta muchly xx

Bethany

10 years ago today I was giving birth for the first time, to a much wanted and much loved baby girl who was being stillborn at 28 weeks gestation. Never having birthed before, nor attended any antenatal classes, nor had any of our group of friends to have started their families, we were more than slightly scared of the process.

I was also scared of how she would look and was not really given much reassurance from staff, other than one consultant who supposed "she may look a little blue".

It was not easy to get labour going and I reacted badly to drugs such that I have no recollection of much of that weekend, being in a morphine filled haze. I know, because Marcus told me afterwards, that many midwives looked after me, some excellent, some not so. I do remember one midwife after the birth saying that she would pray for me which was all very well meaning but just filled me with rage. I did very politely say thank you though. In the years that have followed I have not always been so tolerant of other people's crass comments. Perhaps the morphine had not fully worn off.

My baby girl was almost delivered into the toilet but into a bedpan just in time. Such ignominy. She was perfectly formed and a miracle in that perfection. Tiny hands and feet with little nails, perfect face and eyes and eyelashes. The hospital did teeny hand and feet prints that I still have, and photographs too that I kept until I had a live baby to cuddle and felt the pictures of a dead baby were not necessary any longer.

Yet behind those perfect eyes and perfect face all was not perfect. Bethany (so named after Beth - the poorly one in Little Women - but "Beth" seemed too grown up), had gross brain abnormalities that had led to us having to make a decision as to whether to end the pregnancy at that point (28 weeks) or continue to a point when she would be delivered naturally and seeing events take their course. The prospect of watching a baby pass away and having to carry her for another 3 months for the privilege did not seem the easy option so we did take the heartbreaking decision to terminate at that time. Not everyone will agree with such actions - and that is fine by me for people to have their own opinions on what they would or wouldn't do in such circumstances - but I am who I am and that is the decision I took and I don't believe it is right to be condemned for making a decision that was made with love and for the best of intentions. I fully support euthanasia and this decision for me fell into the same parameters.

The autopsy results highlighted more brain abnormalities than had been shown on the scans, reinforcing our decision and it was suggested toxoplasmosis was the cause. Not that this made any sense to me as I had been aware and careful - and all my toxo tests came back negative yet the consultants just said you could get a false negative result. Frustrating that even when their own tests contradict their hypothesis, they then say the test can produce a false result.

It wasn't until another year and another baby (Eloise) and the same gross brain abnormalities to occur that toxoplasmosis was finally dismissed (apparently it cannot occur twice) and we were told we had an autosomal recessive gene that caused these abnormalities, and even given a name for it - Fowlers Syndrome. We were told we were the first diagnosed family in the UK, with one other in Europe and it was first identified as a condition in Australia where a lady lost several babies at term to Fowlers. None have ever survived birth. Such tragedies. And here we are being the first in the UK. Not a first we wanted to have. I would like to say we were also the last but sadly believe there has been another family also now diagnosed with Fowlers. My thinking is that there could be other families who were misdiagnosed with toxoplasmosis, just as we were, but in those families it was a one off and so the misdiagnosis lives on.

With Bethany I was going to return to work full time, my career was very important to me. The baby would go into a full time nursery at 6 weeks and I would return to work. Such a different person to the one typing these words now. Of course losing Bethany, my feelings did change slightly, such that with Eloise, I was going to take the full maternity leave allowed to me, returning to work part time, with the baby in a nursery part time. Losing Eloise was equally painful but without the shock element - my overwhelming feeling at the time was of intense sadness, loss and "Here we go again" resignation. And weariness - 'cos it just takes so long to grow a baby and I would have to start right back at the very beginning again.

But back to the beginning we did go and conceived again and this third baby was scanned weekly, then fortnightly after 30 weeks. After each scan I would tell people "she seemed ok at the last scan", because I felt things could go wrong at any time.

This baby, my last, was born at home. And true to form even this baby wasn't born breathing. She struggled and went blue and I thought I would see this baby die in front of my eyes. Ambulance and blue lights and she was off. Yet again I had birthed and my baby was removed from me. Once the placenta had been delivered I too was transferred to hospital. But didn't want to see her as what's the point when she is going to die anyway? I felt I was destined to never have a live baby to hold. But she did pull through. I was allowed to hold her when she was 2 days old. She came home when she was 5 days old.

And did I return to work and put this baby in daycare?

No - and I still haven't! This last baby is now 7 (and three quarters!), being home educated and I can't imagine how life could be any better. I am exhilarated by having the privilege to be the mother of this person who is funny and bright and an absolute joy to spend time with. And this joy has only come about through the tragic losses of Bethany and Eloise. That doesn't make me glad they died, but their deaths shaped my future in a far more positive way than their lives may have done, by changing who I am and what I want to achieve at my very core.

So much love to my firstborn, born 10 years ago today. May you rest peacefully. xx

Every now and again I feel that there is a general downturn in optimism in some of the blogs I read. Then I feel as if there is a rash of selfdoubting and generally sad posts. I sometimes wonder if one person writing an internalising post triggers negative thoughts and insecurities in another and so it spreads. It's good that people can write things that make them unhappy and blogging is certainly therapeutic and great way of getting support but I find I am affected by it and have to give myself a shake.

Bloghopping to try and find some happy bloggers as I like surrounding myself with cheery people (:-)) I stumbled across this at I think you're bonkers:

An elderly woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

‘I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.’

The old woman smiled, ‘Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.’

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

I think that goes for us, our children and all the other people in our lives. [And Marcus, this isn't giving you a ready made excuse so don't think you can use my blog against me!! xx]

(And it serves me right for guessing at a password and it working and reading my 6th sad post so far this week! I shouldn't be so nosy - though things don't look so bad there now :-) If something is passworded I should know it's not going to be all chocolate and flowers).

More Storage!

Saturday

Clo went off fluming with A and parents. By bus as they don't drive, so my deprived daughter was thrilled to bits! Horrifically expensive though - £7 per child and £12 per adult for a 20 mile journey. Clo says it wasn't an ordinary bus but a posh bus with a toilet but even so! Can see why people are so desperate to get car lifts whenever possible.

She had a fab time fluming and being 8 to go on the big flumes :-). There's one that apparently drops you into a bowl. She is very keen to go again and wants Marcus to choose it as his birthday treat tomorrow. He isn't so keen . . .

Marcus went off on a bike ride and I was left at home all by myself, which was fine until I was preparing lunch and I found it incredibly lonely. Did my usual filling up the time cleaning and then had time to contemplate moving furniture around to facilitate possible room refurbishment and combat serious bookshelf envy I've suffered after reading about T-Bird's latest acquisition. The books and games and puzzles stacked and wedged every which way is not helping us use them. It is strewing a strew too far! So had measured and checked and as soon as Marcus got through the door I suggested my plans. He so doesn't like me being at home to conjure up work for him!

So a bit of fine wall plaster filling (whilst we had the wall exposed I though he may as well progress tidying up the filled in channel from the wiring runs created last year - and I had checked we had filler so he couldn't procrastinate by saying we need to go to the DIY store), moved the first bit in and finished the rest of the assembly on Sunday along with installing and connecting up his old stereo system which triggered much CD playing as blogged previously.

Storage!



My MIL will be happy as she hasn't understood why we have nice furniture which we don't use properly. It is solid - but donated to us, not sure we would have chosen it but it works well enough in this house. There is another section at my Dad's as the wall it will eventually live on is not long enough for the bureau unit as well. There are also an additional 2 corner units, one for each end. It's massive. Anyway, we didn't use it because toddlers are hard on furniture and we didn't want the glass broken or wooden units bashed any more than we could help. Now Chloe is at the age of 7 I'm hoping the house and furniture stands a better chance of survival.

Which leaves the other bookcases slightly more free to be sorted and the stacked piles of books put on so that Clo can access her resources effectively and continue to educate herself in the manner she is accustomed to ;-)



Clo found Sunday challenging, she was excited by waking up to snow but it wasn't deep and all gone by mid afternoon. She did some of her Brain Training DS game I bought her at PC World last week at the ill fated getting the PC repaired expedition. She says she did the sudoku in 1hr 2mins and 30 secs which didn't sound good to me but apparently you only get 5 wrong inputs allowed and I've no idea how complicated it is. She wants to get under an hour next time. The other morning I found her in her bed with her 1-100 laminated number poster spread across her as a poster - she'd dragged it up into bed with her to use when playing on the Nintendo :-).

Chloe and Marcus did do guitar practise. They've been doing this most mornings and she is really coming along and her fingers are beginning to toughen up (odd to want callouses) and she's getting fewer twangs of the steels.

She watched a lot of television, some odd programming I said I'd rather she didn't watch but Marcus said it's fine and funny and so okay for her to watch. So much for supporting each other, we are divided on this. Fortunately brunch coincided with the end of the odd programme (Shoot) and so tv was off for the rest of the day (excepting when Marcus put the Olympic torch on later).

She then read a book (another unicorn book), we did an African Wildlife puzzle, played Landlock (I won but as I forgot to remind her the point of the game is to connect all four sides, I think we'll agree to disallow that one!), her fifth tooth came out during Landlock which was a relief as it has been really bothering her, played round the world twister, watched the Olympic torch procession and having seen it, am amazed someone can spray a fire extinguisher in someone's face and then criticise the police response as heavy handed.

We looked at her bean growth development. We did invert one for a while but it doesn't seem to have been long enough as they aren't that twisty. Need to read the Flickrd instructions again at Petits Haricots.

Or not bother :-)




She wrote a letter to the tooth fairy and was using all the weapons in her arsenal to delay the time to go to bed. She wanted to measure the circumference of a grape - I am a bad home edding mummy in that I refused to help her in her mission. I just wanted her IN BED NOW. I was tired.

Tenny One

Clo's been fed up - she finds the weekends with nothing in the diary difficult.

So she eventually decided to walk with Marcus as he needed to pop to his office and then they lunched in town, visited the Pancake Fayre and did some grocery shopping whilst I had a looooong bath with L'Occitane bath stuff and read a magazine and then ate the 2nd pomegranate from our box in front of the last bit of some daft film with Tom Hanks floating on some suitcases then being blown out of a volcano. Bliss it was.

Collected them and then I polished off the spinach soup. Clo went out and wanted to do some pruning. Told her to leave the box hedge alone (am worried about box blight which can be exacerbated by mispruning or leaving pruning offcuts on the ground) and wouldn't allow her the lawnmower so she had cut the grass with the shears (yes it is that small a patch of grass) and then she decided to prune back the plants either side of the path. I like them flopping over but now we have a very clear access to the shed (rolls eyes here). There won't be many flowers edging the path this spring.

She does need smaller secateurs though - so may invest in a wolf small hands pair for her as I feel using mine that are slightly oversized for her is not ideal.

She and I watched Summerhill that M downloaded for her. Really good explanation of our education philosophy for her. I spent quite a bit of time on the Summerhill website. We chatted about how if anything happened to me what would happen to her and we think it would probably be best if she went to Summerhill. She would be fine but Marcus wouldn't. Hmm. Weekly boarding would be best but they don't seem to have that option. She is sad the programme will self destruct 7 days after watching it (28 days after downloading then 7 days after you have watched it). Very clever these people. A couple of puzzles (no looking at the picture) and dinner. She read a bit of a mermaid story book that I have been unable to renew as someone else has requested it so need to return it on Monday. Grr. Am going to have to make a special trip when we will be in town for the pancake races on Tuesday anyway. Double grr. She needs to finish it today.

ooh on the topic of finishing, she did finish that Letts workbook on Friday and cut out the medal covered cup at the end and it is proudly displyed on her wall :-)

I was exasperated though as 1+9, 21+9, 31+9, 41+9 and so on are fine. But she has an absolute block on 11+9. I dont get it. Can we start a campaign to rename eleven, "tenny one"?

Is one less fun?

Had to trek to our not nearest PC World to collect a HPNA power line network adaptor. Then via opticians to collect lenses, bank for some cash and Starbucks for a very quick lunch. I started to develop a headache in Starbucks due to extraordinary noise levels and two young boys who were bored whilst their parents chatted with friends so had to run around and around and around other people and past other people. Dropped M off at home and took drugs before taking Clo to roller skating with A-L, dropped her off and then back to our town to collect A and her mum. Miscommunication meant that I'd thought she'd text if she wanted a lift and she thought we'd agreed she'd text if she wanted a lift from somewhere other than home. It is quite possible she is right.

Girls all enjoyed roller skating. Clo got sore feet and so Mimi hired boots for her. Which Clo thinks are great so have a spare pair of over shoe plastic kids skates if anyone wants them. They are too heavy to be worth Ebaying.

Talked to Clo about how it's better to hire skates as she can get the size that fits her best. We have nowhere to skate other than at the leisure centre so it's a waste of money (and storage space) to own her own skates.

Afterwards we headed to a pub/family restaurant (ie slightly grotty!) with indoor play area until more people arrived and too many children were in there and Chloe wanted to leave. Both girls were too tired by now anyway and I was happy to leave as well as I was seething about an obnoxious mother sat at the table behind us who had just started saying in a really loud voice "Wouldn't it be awful to be an only child. I mean. Just imagine how awful it would be!"

I hadn't heard the rest of the conversation because the others with her were more quietly spoken but a man then said something about attention and obnoxious woman reiterated saying, "That's all very well but it would be just awful to be an only child. You would always have to arrange things for them to do on the weekends!"

Having one child makes me no less happy that had we more children. As an only child, Clo is very well aware of the advantages of no competition for resources, parental time (we bumped into one of her friends in the morning with his dad as on Saturdays each child gets to spend 2 hours with him), trips out are much easier than with a baby in tow (at skating I spent a lot of time pushing the buggy around the corridors to keep the baby from wailing as the parents wanted to skate - Deb did say she didn't think Clo was very happy about me being there but not watching her). There are disadvantages, obviously, holidays can be trickier as she is taken away from her friends and is on her own so requires more parental input. However, this is getting easier as she is getting older and enjoying reading for herself. Also, from my pov I have my "heir" but no "spare" so do get panicky sometimes if I think about anything happening to her, leaving me with none. My grief levels would be no less had we more than one child and lost one but having others would give you more of a reason to keep going.

If I'd had triplets instead of a singleton, would I be 3 times as happy? I don't think so. I think I'd consider myself triply blessed but just as happy (perhaps more exhausted!). Family life would be different - I only have 2 hands so trips out would be difficult. I once took 3 children to the kids cinema and afterwards one ran off in one direction because she wanted to go to the park, Clo ran the other because she didn't and one stayed by my side. Never again. Even taking only 2 children was not without problems as one needed the toilet during the film. Do you leave one in the auditorium or make the other one accompany you when they don't want to stop watching?

A friend who has had 5 children was an only child, a singleton friend of Chloe has a father who is one of 13 and a mother who is one of 7. The mum of 13 is desperate to have baby number 14, but sadly the biological clock seems to have stopped as baby 13 is now 3 years old. Even if Clo's friends' parents choose to have another, the age gap will be at least 7 years so the sibling relationship will be very different from that enjoyed by Becs' children who are 18 months apart. No better, not worse, just different.

We are all different and there is no one right family size. Just as there is no one right way to educate your child(ren). Just the way that is right for each family. At that moment in time.


As we were leaving the pub, the girl about Chloe's age came up to her parents' table and wanted to stay with them and drink her drink. The dad gently said to her, "Now remember what we said in the car. You are the oldest and the biggest so you need to look after the others. We talked about this. Remember?"